Supporting teens in understanding healthy and unhealthy relationships

Adolescence is a busy time of life. As teens grow up, they're exploring who they are, what they love and how they see themselves in the future.

This phase builds the foundation for a wide range of values and perspectives, including how they view relationships. By observing other relationships and developing their own, teens learn what safe and healthy relationships look and feel like from others, including peers, parents and caregivers, coaches and teachers.

Relationships come in all forms — with romantic partners, friends, family and trusted adults. As teens are navigating it all, it's important to guide them in the signs of a healthy relationship and the red flags of an unhealthy one.

Signs of healthy relationships

"Healthy relationships are centered on trust, honesty, communication and consent. For teens, these relationships are the ones where they feel safe, respected and ultimately validated by the other party, whether that's a friend, dating partner or caregiver. Setting — and respecting — healthy boundaries within relationships is essential for healthy relationships to flourish," says Sarah Lynch, MA, MFT, LPC, a behavioral health therapist at Mirmont Outpatient Center Broomall, part of Main Line Health.

Other characteristics of healthy relationships include:

Supporting individuality

Both partners in a healthy relationship should feel free to express who they are, and one person's identity shouldn't be forced to conform or adapt to the other's. Both people should have their own interests, friends and hobbies — and the other party should be supportive of this individuality.

Compromising

One person shouldn't always get their way, whether about minor disagreements (like weekend activities) or major ones (like values). There should be a give and take, as well as a time for each person to express their views on a subject.

Arguing in a healthy way

Arguments are inevitable, and they can even be a sign of a healthy relationship — when approached in a healthy way. During a disagreement, there shouldn't be any extreme anger, insults, direct attacks or other harmful behavior. Instead, arguments should remain on topic, and if the conversation gets too heated, both parties should take a short break to calm down with the expectation to re-visit when both parties are ready.

Promoting self-confidence

Healthy relationships make teens feel good about themselves. Both parties should be able to be themselves and feel supported by the other person. They should also be comfortable enough to share their opinions without forcing them on the other person.

For romantic relationships, sexual intimacy is a factor in how healthy or unhealthy relationships are. Teens should not feel pressured to do anything they aren't comfortable with, especially without direct consent. Everyone develops on their own time, and each party should respect the other when it comes to feeling ready for any kind of sexual activity.

Red flags of unhealthy relationships

Unhealthy relationships are lacking in the qualities of healthy ones. More than that, though, they often have a power imbalance where one person seems more in control than the other. Toxic relationships are also marked by poor communication and, sometimes, violence — physically, sexually or emotionally.

Other characteristics of unhealthy relationships include:

• Lying: Keeping information from each other breaks down trust and leads to problems in a relationship. This includes lying and stealing.
• Control: A strong relationship is an even balance, but when one person tells the other what to do, how to act or who to be friends with — or they make all the decisions on their own — that's a sign of a problem. Control can also take the form of extreme jealousy.
• Co-dependence: If one person feels or says they are unable to do anything without the other person, or they say they'll do something drastic should the relationship end, this is a red flag of an unhealthy relationship.
• Disrespect: Making fun of the interests or personality of another person — or damaging their possessions — shows disrespect in a relationship.
• Intimidation: A partner who makes the other fearful is a sign of intimidation. Threats of violence or breaking up are also concerning traits of a relationship.

"In romantic relationships, if one partner puts pressure on the other to engage in any sort of sexual activity, this is a significant red flag," says Ms. Lynch. "This includes forcing them into sexual activity without their consent, such as after drinking alcohol."

When teens are in an unhealthy relationship

As a caregiver or other mentor of a teen, safety is top of mind. Unfortunately, unhealthy relationships are a scary reality that both teens and adults need to be aware of.

First and foremost, make sure your teen understands the signs of an unhealthy relationship, even if they are subtle. You can further help them recognize healthy relationships by modeling them yourself and pointing out signs of unhealthy relationships on TV shows.

"If you suspect your teen is in an unhealthy relationship, open up a conversation in a nonjudgmental way," says Ms. Lynch. "You might say, 'Hey, it seems like something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?' You may want to mention the relationship in question or let your teen guide the conversation there, depending on how the discussion goes."

Then, focus on listening to what they have to say and coming from a place of understanding. Take them seriously, avoiding any signs of doubt. Remind them of their self-worth and that they don't deserve to be treated badly by anyone. Be careful to avoid telling them what to do, like telling them to end the relationship immediately. This likely will lead to them feeling invalidated and ultimately a breakdown in communication. By asking these questions and offering nonjudgmental support you are allowing them a space to develop and use the skills to navigate through negative and unhealthy relationships.

Finally, determine the next steps together, such as creating a safety plan (what they should do if they ever feel unsafe), finding ways to adjust or end the relationship and talking to a trusted health care provider or counselor.

Relationships are challenging, especially during adolescence. As a caregiver or mentor of a teen, you play a crucial role in helping them develop an understanding of what healthy relationships look like — and when there's reason for concern. Together, you can support your teen to engage in healthy and safe relationships now and as they grow up.

Next steps:

Make an appointment with Sarah Lynch, MA, MFT, LPC
Learn more about behavioral health care at Main Line Health
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