by Tiffany Turner M.S., N.C.C., L.P.C
American Day Treatment Center

Many significant others are at a loss when someone close to them is sexually assaulted.  When someone they love is hurt, they are unsure how to respond.  Should I tell her it will be ok?  Do I never let her out of my sight again?  I don't want to upset her further, so how do I help her?  In reading through the stages of what a victim will go through, it is important to realize that, while you can't fix it for her, you can be a great support while she is dealing with the aftermath of the attack.

Stage One: Denial
Denial begins during the ordeal of the sexual assault in the form of "this isn't really happening to me."  The victim often mentally separates herself from the act because she is horrified and humiliated by it.  It is a coping mechanism she uses to protect herself.  Once the assault is over, she looks back at it from the distance she imposed in an attempt to convince herself that it did not really happen.   The victim may be devoid of emotion and possibly minimize the violence.  The process of making light of the trauma is a way for her to avoid facing it or acknowledging the damage it caused her.

During this stage it is important that, as her support person, you let her know that you are there for her.  Be careful, however, not to push her to talk about anything that makes her uncomfortable.  Secondary victimization refers to behaviors and attitudes of social service providers, police, and loved ones who are "victim-blaming" and insensitive.  Such behaviors traumatize victims of violence all over again.  Therefore, it is important at this stage for the victim's support system to just let her know that they are there if needed.

Stage Two: Catharsis
At this point, the victim begins to accept what has happened.  It can be a tremendous relief for her to begin to identify and clarify her emotions and for her to receive validation for the emotions she is having.  When she reaches out for help, be there.  If she wants to talk about all that she is remembering, listen.  Assist her in discussing what happened and in recalling as much detail as she is able to handle. She has the right to say "stop" when she needs to do so. Remember that she must have the control over her own process and to create as safe an atmosphere as possible.

Stage Three: Guilt
This stage is the "point of guilt", where she feels responsible for what happened to her. Blaming herself for what happened to her is a way for her to feel power and control over it. It is safer and easier for her to deal with her guilt than to deal with the fear that it could happen again.

During this stage it is important to aid her in understanding her guilt and for her to begin to let go of that feeling.  Group therapy can be a very powerful support for her through this process.  As her support person, help her validate her feelings, understand the importance of her guilt, and leave the control in her hands.

Stage Four: Loss of Control
Once the victim has dealt with most of her feelings of guilt, she is faced with the fact that she had absolutely no control over what happened to her.  It is here that she is able to identify her losses and face the pain and sadness.  Her support system is more important now that ever, and she needs all the nurturing she can get.  Again, group therapy can be an essential component to her healing.  She will begin to acknowledge that she is beginning to heal and feel less "crazy".  During this time, friends and family should support her grieving and provide comfort for her in her time of need. 

During this stage, pain and losses are grieved, guilt feelings are resolved and new questions arise.  The victim may look skeptically at strangers as well as people she trusts.  She is wondering who else in her life has the potential to hurt her and feeling less secure in her relationships.

Stage Five: Anger and Rage
As the victim realizes that she was not prepared for or protected from the violence, she becomes outraged.  She asks, "Why?" and states "This isn't fair!"  She can become furious with her loved ones for not protecting her.  She may be angry at the justice system for not catching the offender, or for not putting him in prison for life.  She is angry at everyone for not feeling the pain she feels.  She seems to be angry at everyone except the rapist, as he is the "least safe" target for her rage.  He is still to powerful and she is still too afraid. 

It is essential for her to receive help in directing her anger and rage.  These emotions are healthy, and can put her in touch with her strength and power.  Joining a gym, taking a self-defense course or any activity that helps let out her anger and empower her is positive.  Because this stage is marked by such intense emotions, significant others may experience some of her anger.  Do not become defensive about it.  Instead, acknowledge her anger and help her focus on the rapist.

Stage Six:  Integration and Acceptance
In the sixth and final stage, she integrates and accepts the experience.  She begins to feel more comfortable, more in control and more calm.  She has learned to manage her fear, to use it to move to anger, then into action.  Her anger is less reckless, more clearly directed.  She is feeling far less controlled by the rape.  She can think about it, remember it, and not become frightened or feel helpless as a result.  She has been able to take a horrible, violent, painful experience and turn it around in order to make herself more powerful, stronger, and self-reliant.  When the victim feels she has healed, she has not forgotten; she has just learned to deal better with the experience. 

Similar to the stages of grief and loss, the victim will not necessarily work through them in order.  She can bounce back and forth between the stages, and there is no timeline set as to when she should come to a conclusion. The best thing a significant other can do during this time of need is just to let the victim know they are there for her, and not to push her.  If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, at any of these stages from beginning to end, encourage her to seek professional help.